Crossroads

Reflecting and making bold moves

Have you ever been at a point in your life that you just stop and ask why? 

  • why am I doing this?

  • why am I here? 

  • what is my purpose? 

I have – numerous times, but each time this happens to me there is a compiling effect. This point, which I am calling my crossroads, is years in the making. It is a compilation of searching, testing, trying, failing, and wondering. 

I know – typo. Twitter, but editable.

One of my inherent problems is that I never settle. Some people might see this as a strength, but for me, it has been a struggle. Being a cog in the machine has always rubbed me the wrong way. I have tried, really. I tried to give in and just be. I thought it would be easy. Just follow the masses, do as they do. But I just can’t.

I am a person that is looking for a true purpose, a person that needs to make a positive impact in this tumultuous world we live in. 

Over the past year, due to the pandemic, I have had the ability to think – more like fester, about what I need/ want. Being home, void of the old normal, makes you see the world – that is, if you open your eyes. 

I saw that I am extremely passionate about remote work. That I want to help push this amazing way of life to a norm for most people. I saw that I do not just want to do my small part in environmentalism, but rather help fix this planet on a larger scale. I also saw that I thrive in a simpler way of life – being more intentional and taking my time. 

The problem I have is that I am too mentally and physically drained to do what I saw. I have even been having problems working on the documentary that I have talked about so much. That really sucks too, because it is one of the things that matter most to me right now. I am finding it really hard to get the motivation to work on it, never mind make big progress. 

The obvious hindrance for me has been my day job. It has been nothing but a struggle for me. It has been so mentally taxing, to not only do the work but also feel like any of it even matters. 

Again, I mention crossroads. I have the thought, the idea, the notion – I should quit cold turkey and follow my needs and wants. I am not 100% sure what that would look like, but it feels like the right move. Yeah, I could work for someone else, and that is 100% on the table. I have applied to a lot of jobs over the past few years. I have made it to interviews and skills assessment phases, but never more than that. Some of those jobs were just forced – applying just to get a job. But most of these applications have been very intentional, picking companies that excite me and align with my values. I could continue down this path while working for my current company or quitting first, but I am not sure if that will be enough either. 

If I were to drop my day job and go all-in on me, I would first take a few days off, but closer to a week – I need it. Secondly, finish my doc series with all that I have. Then share it with the world, using it as a statement piece for remote work. Thirdly, build out a plan of what I want to do, what I want to impact, what the ultimate goal is, and then make small tasks to get there. I would hope to get some work with businesses and people that could use my filmmaking and creative services along the way, as I’d like to not eat through all my savings. 

I do have to mention, I am considering this now because I have the privilege to. My wife works full time. She has an income that could cover our expenses if we focused and didn’t splurge much. Additionally, we have zero debt, minus a few small school loans. I have pushed through this daily pain until now so we could pay off all of our debt and move to a place that makes us happy

I am poised to do this, but… 

  • damn, it is still scary!

  • failure is definitely possible

  • not saving will be frustrating

  • I might end up at another day job, but maybe a better one

On the other hand...

  • why not? 

  • I am skilled

  • I have tons to share and contribute

  • I have an opportunity to make a difference, not only in my life but potentially others

If I did do this, would you be interested in my journey? What kind of content would you like to see? Should I even share about it? 

If you are in the same boat, have done this – success or failure, or have even considered it – let me know. I want to potentially build a community with people that feel like I do. 

Something I have learned this week: